"Raising Empowered Kids: Nurturing the Art of Saying 'No'"

3 unconscious ways children may grow to be a people pleasers; how to avoid it

1. The Unintended Outcome: Future People Pleasers

Do you recall moments from your own childhood when you wanted to say "no",  but felt scared? When we teach our children that they can’t say no to their leaders (parents, caregivers, authoritative figures), we might be raising future adults who find it hard to stand up to peer pressure, bullies, or even assert themselves to leaders who abuse their power

2. Writing their brains to associate saying "NO" with something dangerous

Why do kids saying no feels triggering? The negative undertone associated with the word “no” has been conditioned from our own upbringing. We learn “no” is associated with a defiant temperament, instead of a self-advocacy moment.

 Example; “You can’t say no to a grownup!” you may recall. STOP for 1 minute and ask yourself: 

Why are we conditioned to believe that our kids or others saying “no” is bad?

3. Unintentionally telling them their voice doesn’t matter

When we encourage our children to embrace saying "no," we're also fostering their ability to tune into their inner feelings and instincts. This connection with their own sensations is a powerful tool for developing profound emotional intelligence. Also, when we dismiss their "no" as invalid, we unintentionally convey that their instincts are not welcomed and not to trust their inner compass.

The hidden power of children stating “NO”

When we allow kids  to say "no" to us, we're teaching them that accepting "no" from others is not a personal attack. This paves the way for them to grow into adults who can hold boundaries without sacrificing themselves. Just think about all those instances when you couldn't say "no" to your boss due to fear of their reaction!

Allowing “NO’s” does NOT equate to being permissive

Let's be clear about one thing: just because our children say "no" doesn't mean we will let them run wild without any rules. As parents, our responsibility is to provide guidance, ensure their safety, and establish appropriate boundaries. We can acknowledge that our child is telling us no, and use empathy and connection to find the “yes” together.

Let's walk through a common scenario: Your child is deeply engrossed in something enjoyable, and when it's time to go, they resist and you hear a “NO!” – this is entirely understandable! Gosh, I'd rather stay and have fun too! But here's the thing: we're the adults with more developed brains, and that means we've got a job to do. Here's a step-by-step guide on how to handle this situation:

1. “All behavior is communication of a met or unmet need” Start by getting curious about why your child is saying "no." In many cases, it's because they might not know how to express their needs yet. It's a lot like us adults – oftentimes we struggle to articulate what we really need. So, it becomes our job to gently ask them what they need and model that open line of communication by sharing what YOU need from the situation. For example, if you're running late for an appointment, explain “I am running late for this appointment and I need us to leave now so I can arrive on time”
2. Make them feel heard and seen. We all want to feel like our voices matter. So, when your child expresses their reluctance, don’t shame them. Show them that their voice is valid and important. For example, you can say, "I understand you don't want to go. That makes sense; you're having a great time." Acknowledge that doing things we'd rather not is hard, AND “we can do hard things!” Depending on their age, their brain might not be fully developed yet, making it harder to follow instructions. In such cases, gently guide them.
3. Connection: The Secret Ingredient: Imagine being at work and your boss is yelling a request to you from their office. How does that make you feel? Now, think about your boss coming over and kindly asking you for help. You see the difference, right? People respond better when they feel respected and valued. The same goes for your child.
4. Emotional Anchoring: If after trying to communicate your need your child protests or gets emotional, be their emotional anchor. Show them that it's okay to feel these emotions around you by keeping calm and grounding yourself. Kids are learning how to regulate their emotions until age 12 and they often need our support in doing so. 

TIP: Practicing this step by step in moments of calm with your kids will help you rewire your brain for the moments of trigger!

Lastly, I want to encourage to pay attention to what kind of request the child is saying no to. Does it respect their boundaries, their bodies, and their humanity? A way of doing that is by asking inwards. How would I react if someone asked me to do what I am asking of this child?

If you find it hard to manage your emotions when your child expresses their emotions or says "no", don't blame yourself! It's not your fault. Parenting coaching can be incredibly helpful in unraveling these conditioned beliefs related to parenting and shedding light on why certain things trigger us and the impact it has on our children’s futures.